I've debated whether or not to post our final family member (excluding the dogs - that would be a short, yet interesting post)...ME! But, throughout all of these posts I have not only wrote them with family and friends in mind but also other families choosing adoption, or considering adoption. I have had a lot of mixed emotions since coming home. Thus, my hesitancy to post. Do I share these conflicting feelings and emotions with the people who think I'm a "rock" and so strong throughout all of this? Or do I shed my outer layer and prove to all of you that this process has been a challenge...a rewarding, magnificent, God-led challenge. Yes, this is what I have chosen to do. I am choosing to bare it all for the betterment of my parenting and the support of other parents who chose adoption.
Coming Home
The flights home were nothing less than hell on Earth. We added it up and we remained awake for 72 hours straight. We compared "states" and both Josh and I were having little warped hallucinations where the floor was morphing like the end of a Scooby-Doo show. I guess that's how the body reacts to pure exhaustion. I wouldn't know...never experienced that until then!
But I will have to say that the arrival into the Lansing Airport with so many of our family and friends waiting to greet the 4 Knights was heart-palpitating. I was so excited for my parents to meet the kids as well as for Leah and Logan to see them. Not to mention just SEE Leah and Logan! I was so homesick for those two on this trip, it was hard to get over!
Walking into our home as a family of 6 was...nothing special. We were just too tired. Haha! Logan needed to show Ella everything ASAP. This, my fellow adoptive families, is something that I wish I could have known before and stopped. When adopting an 'older child'...3 is older...boundaries, physical and emotional, are non-existent. Ella did NOT need full access to our 3700 sq. foot house. She could have used 1/4 of that. What she got was an overwhelming abundance of good ole American excess. She needed physical boundaries, to learn the word no in a contained manner, to have a small space somewhat similar to what she was used to in Ethiopia. Mistake #1...Lesson #1.
Staying at Home
So I was convinced, prior to the kids coming home, as well as about 4 weeks after they came home, that I wanted to stay home to raise the kids. "Day care can't do what I do!" Buwhahahah! Well, then Ella learned my code name, "Mama!" I have never heard one word so damn much in one time period...EVER! I mean, talk about repetition! It was like a word cycling in a blender! She was killing me! Not to mention that Leah and Logan wanted their fair shake and Isaac wouldn't be set down from the shoulder-holding position. If you wonder, showers were occasional and often after 5:00 when Josh got home. I also went a bit berserk when I noticed that I had a new and curly haired shadow. It went to outside with me, inside...to the laundry area, to the kitchen for lunches, and even to the bathroom. You guessed it...ELLA! It was part of the attachment process for her, but I will be honest again...it made me crazy! I would happily enjoy it for some time, but then felt it necessary she make an appropriate choice as I get some items done around the house. So, I redirect her...then, remember when I discussed the water/snot/saliva works in previous posts? Yep, you got it...she turned on the mucus factory when I tried to encourage her to PLAY! OYE VAY!
Nevertheless, I'm happily working full time as a special ed teacher and the kids are being nicely socialized at an in-home day care whom we love dearly! Mistake #2...Lesson #2.
Attachment - Straight Up
I love all of my kids: Leah, Logan Ella and Isaac. Heck I even love my dogs...the one that barks too! Leah and Logan were like my first-born. They are amazing girls and they have grown so much through THIS adoption process. It's so cool...Logan is now asking to go visit her birth mother in Guatemala and making new connections about her life story because of this. *Tear* Isaac is such a dolly! He is developing like a race car zooming down a track! He can walk now, talk some words, sign his needs and just flirts his evenings away!!! Now if we could just get that sleeping thing figured out! Ella is a beautiful and amazing daughter. I will have to admit to all of you, attachment has not come easy for her. She does not understand family. Because of this, attachment to her is slow. This is hard to say to all of you. I LOVE THIS LITTLE GIRL. But I find myself become easily frustrated by her behaviors. I question why I feel this way and why it can't be easier. I rationalize it all, I pray for a faster attachment in both directions, I just want to have the patience and pure unconditional attachment and bond that I feel to the other 3 kiddos. Again, this is a very hard thing to say, but it is very important that it is said in order for me to help other families as well as myself.
I know that we will attach as strong to each other as I am to the other kiddos. I just know that it hasn't happened yet. I work at it daily...hard!!! Adoption is not for the faint of heart...not just the coming home process...the rest of it too. This is NOT mistake #3...it's just a lesson in love!
Conclusion
This wraps up the family member updates. It took me some time, and it didn't seem to end on a very happy note, but in all reality it does. God has created our family...our beautiful family made up of browns, tans and whites! I love that we have this diverse and wonderfully unique family. Someone said that something isn't worth anything if you don't have to fight for it! We are working on making our family amazingly strong, full of love and passion, and most importantly HAPPY! I have always thought of myself as a really strong woman where not much gets in the way of what I want. Hey, I only want a healthy, happy and safe FAMILY!
AMEN.
